Off Campus

18 January 2005

Resolution Help

Resolv-O from the makers of Placebo*
Rumpatatious Micklesulfate tablets

J.P. Skruujob, Inc. (a subsidiary of the Towelfruit Corporation), the maker of PLACEBO*, is proud to annouce the introduction of Resolv-O, the wonder drug that drugs wonders.

Tired of making New Year's resolutions that you never keep, forget about, or are forcibly restrained from completing? Tire no more, with new Resolv-O, the thrice-a-day capsule that helps you keep those half-hearted self-pledges!

Tested on a random sampling of mini-mart loiterers, initial results remain a tightly-guarded secret.

BRIEF SUMMARY - Please see package insert or cereal box top for full prescribing information (special decoder ring required, sold separately).

Dr. Julie Plitz of the Get-U-Well Hospi-tel in Ritnick, WA: "We believe we've seen a marked improvement in our patients who've taken Resolv-O, over those who've taken a bus out of town. Our Resolv-O patients are still alive and well, while we never see those other people anymore."

Queenie Delvino of Mornagfelch, LA: "Every year, I vow I'm going to try to lose some weight, and every year, I never manage to do it. Since I've taken Resolv-O, I've developed a rare blood disease and lost 100 pounds. Thank you, Resolv-O!"

Tom Yepp of Dunring, RI: "I finally won the lottery! Thank you Resolv-O! Does anyone know what I'm supposed to do with a year's supply of sausage?"

Hep Fred Swinzler of Little Small, CO: "I had a headache and took two of my wife's Resolv-O pills by mistake. Next thing I knew, I'd fulfilled my life's ambition to be a gay magician. And my headache was gone!"

USEAGE: Resolv-O just might help in attaining the following goals:
Lose weight, diet, exercise, be a better husband, beat a better husband, learn French, learn to French, clean the house, clean the garage, clean the oven, clean the oxen, learn foxy boxing, stop smoking, get the band back together, go metric, heal the shunted, walk a mile in another man's mochachino, do the hokey pokey, shock the monkey, climb every mountain, learn to draw comics the Marvel way, style your hair like 1973, twiddle with greater accuracy, attain higher consciousness though potato worship, re-organize your Voltron tapestries, alphabetize your belts, call your mother, walk the hamster, solve that Rubik's cube you got for Christmas in 1984, try organic wax lips, build an energy-efficient steam shovel, single-handedly bring back the Hully Gully, jump hurdles on your knees, learn inverted Swahili, close cover before striking, stop crying in public restrooms, finally make it as a professional wrestling referee, take air hockey lessons, swim the Erie Canal, yawn continuously for 13 minutes or more, read the complete works of Kirk Douglas, ignore the voices in your head, see a doctor about that "paucity", spend a week in Lompoc, shave your tongue, tattoo your eyelids, read to geese, eliminate walnuts, jump a Winnebago over the Bering Strait -- blindfolded, house and clothe the dizzy, swim with the tuna, watch all of the AIR BUD series in Spanish, consolide your remotes, spackle, streak at the opera, fix that kazoo, mend international relations, improve your bowling score, develop a keen sense of foreboding, master the fine art of jello wrestling, stop taking unneccesary medications and more.

So if you, like millions, have trouble keeping your New Year's resolutions, why not try Resolv-O? It may or may not make your dreams come true.

(Like most New Year's resolutions, there is a 1 in 100 chance that Resolv-O will work for you. If you fail to see results after 30 days of use, please consult your mechanic.)