Off Campus

22 December 2004

Very (Very) Last Minute Gift Ideas

You're about to head out to a Christmas party, and you find yourself without a gift.

Lucky for you we have the latest offerings! Just look around the house...and don't forget to remind them, it's the thought that counts.

Breakfast-To-Go Kit: Pop-Tarts & Cocoa
Yummy & warm on a cold winter's day!

Pen Bouquet & Mug
Brighten someone's desk or hutch with a colorful assortment of ink-holding pens! When the pens are all gone, the mug can be used to hold liquid refreshments! Or MORE PENS!

AOL brand (tm) circular sausage and pizza slicer:
Much more than a coaster!

It's a weapon, a doorstop and a paperweight all rolled into one!

Off Campus 2004 Collectors' Ornament:
Cut it out and stick to something you pulled off your tree. (this makes more sense in the comic than it does in the blog. hint, hint...)

Festive 4 or 5-Pack:
Santa saved one for himself, and gives the rest to YOU!

Swiffer (tm) Monogrammed Hankerchief
It'll pick up dust, grime, and seven known forms of nasal bacteria! Hand-monogrammed in washable Sharpie.

Special Magic Magic Water:
What does it do? We can't tell you, but it will fill you with a sense of quenchment and cool!

Old Shoe Planter
For the plant on the go.

Baseball Cap Candle Holder
What better way to please the baseball lover/scented candle enthusiast than this two-in-one gift homer?

Cardboard Tube Imaginastic Fun Factory Variety Pack
Let your giftee's mind soar with this evocative set of paper-based cylinders. They can fight pirates, pole-vault at the Olympics, or joust to their hearts' content with these durable (just don't bend them or get them wet) holiday favorites!

Tupperware Container Filled With Shampoo
Everybody loves Tupperware. Everybody loves shampoo. Not only does the recipient get additional body and bounce in their hair, but when they've used up the goo, the can keep a sandwich fresh indefinitely! (Cleaning is recommended before introducing food into the Tupperware).

A Bag of Old Cassette Tapes and a Hammer
Give the gift of technological vendetta-fulfillment this Christmas! This specially-prepared lets the user take out his or her aggression on artists of the past, and the now-defunct format they once thrived on. (Also available in VHS, CED, Laserdisc, and LP editions.)

Live dangerously with the Past-Due Food Collection!
From questionably consumable milk to dangerously dodgy ham, thrill-seekers and extreme gamers alike will jump at the chance to tempt fate and FDA standards with this putrid collection of questionably-edible foodstuffs.

A Personalized, Hand-Written List of Your Good Points (In Ink!)
Pick up a friend's spirits with a personalized list of their strengths and non-offensive traits. Anyone can buy an "I love you this much" greeting card, but only those who care enough to write longhand can warm the hearts with a personalized, itemized, weatherized list of things that make them exceptionally spiffy. Great gift for bosses, teachers, spouses...anyone you need to earn points with.

A Festive Jar of Gasoline
Nothing says "I understand your financial difficulties" like a glistening jar of gasoline. Whether lighting a big fire in a hurry, powering a vehicle, or engaging in casual huffing, gasoline is the gift they'll remember you for.

A Child's Garden of Crabgrass
Teach a child you know all about horticulture and unwanted pests with a shoe-box filled with living, BREATHING crabgrass! (Fire ants sold separately)

A Child's First Dustbuster
Every child needs that first appliance, so why not give the gift of Dustbusting? Available with optional laser-pointer sight, for tracking of under-the-bed dust bunnies and weevils.

Sears Catalog Paper Dolls
Mix and match outfits with a variety of styles and models, courtesy of the Sears Catalog (or substitute newspaper circulars). Available in this year's styles!

It's Salt! It's Pepper! It's Salepper! Save time and avoid Carpel Tunnel Syndrome--one shake does it all!

Hand-Made Paper Airplane Collection
Expertly hand-crafted by a graduate of the fifth grade (or higher), this fleet of paper airplanes are sure to delight anyone who has ever yearned to soar above the clouds or disrupt a classroom/board meeting. Not guaranteed to fly, but guaranteed to look like they might be able to.