Off Campus

08 November 2004

$5 an ass

No movement, political, social, or otherwise, is worth its weight in waffles unless it is immortalized in song. "Give Peace A Chance", "We Shall Overcome", "You Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party"....all anthems that hold a special place in the heart and tape deck of a generation or two. In an effort to popularize and explain the "Five Bucks An Ass" tax plan, we have enlisted the aid of an unemployed and inept non-musician to write a song that will lodge itself into your consciousness just long enough to either annoy you or make you see the light.

So please won't you give it a listen. (In your head, in whichever genre you wish) Together we can overcome, underachieve, and make a difference. Or not.

We've provided (free of charge, I might add) the lyrics to the song below, so that you and your family, friends, co-workers, or co-dependents can sing along.

Five Bucks an Ass
(The Song)

There's a movement sweepin' cross the USA.....
Gonna wipe out all our debt...

If you think you heard every tax scheme there is....

Well brother, you ain't heard nothin' yet.

See this fella's got a plan, gonna help every man,
Woman, child, old or young, weak or strong.
Gonna do away with tax, 'cept for one, so just relax,
Sit an' listen while I 'splain it in this song.

See now we got a lotta tax, like a monkey on our backs,
It's a burden plain and simple to us all.
But the answer's right down there, an it's called your derierre,
And it's gonna bring in quite a honkin' haul.

You know that every man, he ain't got a bunch a land.
An' not just every Jill, got that mansion on the hill.
But it's true down to a one.....
Everybody got a bum.

Everybody pitchin' in,
Chuckin' in just a fin,
Gonna dig us out an up an over debt.
Gonna make our country strong,
Make the a-rabs get along,
Save enough to buy your grammaw a corvette.

When you pay five bucks an ass,
Don't need no income tax.
Your accountant gets the ax,
When you pay five bucks an ass.

It's just five bucks an ass,
You'd pay that to mow the grass,
Only worry bout one ol tax,
When you pay five bucks an ass.

You see, it's really simple. If you or someone you love has an ass, you pay five dollars. Now I'm not talking about a donkey, I'm talking about the ol caboose, the rump, the postal-terior. You got it, you pay once a year. That's it. Five bucks an ass.

Any questions?

What I gotta pay?

What about my kids?

What about my gran-paw?

What about my dog?

What if I own land?

What if I'm in jail?

What about the church?

Well, what if I'm half-assed?

So that's all you needta know, gonna save a lotta dough,
Rackin' up the asses all across the land.
When that money all comes in Uncle Sam is gonna grin,
Gonna settle some old scores, gonna legalize the whores....
And a buncha stuff that makes us proud again.

When you pay five bucks an ass,
Get them teens off of the grass,
Make the future shine like brass,
When you pay five bucks an ass!

(Copyleft 2004 Allan Smithee & OC)