Off Campus

22 September 2004

Survey of Americans

In a recent survey, I lied on most of the questions, the rest I just guessed at. I’ve always been a terrible test taker and, unfortunately, am responsible for that plus/minus some-odd percent they quote during the news. If we all lied on upcoming surveys between now and November, the government and news organizations would think that everything is just fine, and “Dubya” would have an easy ride into the White House for another 4 years. That, and we LOVE it when people call during dinner.

Some new information about Americans according to my survey answers;

We love Spam, in all its varieties, whether e-mailed or as a processed meat. You can cut it into slices lengthwise, and get 4 Spamburgers out of one can. No wonder so many children of the Greatest Generation became vegetarians!

Reality television is great! We love to snoop in on the unreal lives of normal people in unusual circumstances, and the normal, off-stage lives of minor celebrities. What could be done to make reality television an oxymoron no more? Glad you asked. I called the fine folks at ABC, then NBC, CBS, MTV, VH1, CNN, TNT, FOX, PBS, and finally got a few minutes of time with the execs at the forthcoming Reality channel. It turns out all you have to do is ask. Viola – We’ll be having our own reality program coming in as a mid-season replacement. The premise: Cameras on me, glued to the couch, watching reality TV.
Real reality BABY!

We die hard, red blooded, meat-eating, real Americans LOVE sports. Actually, nobody gives a crap about sports anymore, unless it’s some fantasy league, or on X-box. Why else would there be a channel where you can watch other people play video games, or a Madden Bowl with cash prizes to the least physically fit master of the grid-iron, (save for the thumbs of course). Just about every guy I know watches just about every football, baseball, and basketball game that’s on (myself, and a handful of friends excluded) Why? Why would they care about anyone (other than home-team sentiment) on the field, unless they had something tied up in a fantasy team they have marching toward the virtual Superbowl, World Series or whatever? It’s not like the kids are learning about sports, for lack of extra-curriculars being offered, anymore.

The Economy isn’t just on the rebound, it’s booming. Truth be told, in this day of instant gratification, a la the extreme makeover culture, we can get our houses, bodies and lives rebuilt, almost instantly, without spending a dime, and all on TV. The economy doesn’t need to get better. We don’t need to work for or earn what we want and need. Jack up the credit card bill, while all your money goes towards gas, groceries, and all those “free” minutes. All we need to do is write a letter, cross our fingers and someone else will make it better. Just like mommy and daddy used to.

We would like to thank Fritz Belgian Fries and Ricks Ice Cream, Keene, NH for allowing us to set up camp and have our “creative meetings” over Panini’s, piles of homemade Belgian fries, and wonderful homemade frozen custard – an ice cream lover’s delight! Primarily for putting up with, or politely ignoring us, and secondly for the possibility we can sample some free, or discounted product next time.

Food, glorious food!