Golden Butts

To get you in the mood for the Oscars, here's a re-cap of that OTHER Hollywood awards show, The Golden Globes, as passed through the Butt Game filter. Use this handy-dandy guide to place your bets on who will take home the little shiny bald man in March. Once you figure out who'll win that date with Gavin McLeod, you can then use the list to make your Oscar picks.

Golden Globe Winner 2005 - Butt Game Edition

We here at OC have now reviewed the tape (which, by the way, allowed us to watch a 3 1/2 hour program in about two hours)*, and can now detail for our faithful reader(s) the results of the 2005 Golden Globe awards, presented here for the first time via the miracle of The Butt
Game:


Best Motion Picture - Drama
BROKEBUTT MOUNTAIN took the other nominees by surprise, beating out such heavyweights as THE BUTT GARDENER , GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD BUTT, A HISTORY OF BUTT, and BUTT POINT.

Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy
WALK THE BUTT, shaking its virtues in the face of BUTT & PREJUDICE and THE SQUID AND THE BUTT.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Drama Philip Seymour Hoffman for his quirky performance in BUTT, knocking Russell Crowe (for CINDERELLA BUTT) out of the ring.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Drama
Felicity Huffman grabbed the shiny shaft for her work in BUTT, while Charlize Theron (for BUTT COUNTRY) and Ziyi Zhang for (MEMOIRS OF A BUTT) were given the plain old shaft.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy
Joaquin Phoenix for WALK THE BUTT left Johnny Depp (for CHARLIE AND THE BUTT FACTORY) limping home.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy
Reese Witherspoon for WALK THE BUTT, trampling Keira Knightley for BUTT & PREJUDICE and Sarah Jessica Parker for The FAMILY BUTT.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
George Clooney for his powerful and hairy performance in BUTT.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture
Rachel Weisz for The BUTT GARDENER, burying Shirley MacLaine for (IN HER BUTT).

Best Director - Motion Picture
Ang Lee came from behind for his work on BROKEBUTT MOUNTAIN, leaving Woody Allen (for BUTT POINT) and Peter Jackson for (KING BUTT) sore for the rest of the evening.

Best Screenplay - Motion Picture
Larry McMurtry and Diana Ossana for their work in banging out BROKEBUTT MOUNTAIN.

Best Original Song - Motion Picture
BROKEBUTT MOUNTAIN's Gustavo Santaolalla and Bernie Taupin "A Butt That Will Never Grow Old" beat out such memorable tunes as "Christmas in Butt" (from CHRISTMAS IN BUTT - Tony Renis, Marrow, Marva Jan), "Wunderbutt" (from THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE BUTT - Alanis Morissette), "There's Nothing Like a Butt on
Broadway" (from THE BUTTS - Mel Brooks), and the spirit-lifting "Travelin' Butt" (from BUTT - Dolly Parton).

Best Original Score - Motion Picture
John Williams for MEMOIRS OF A BUTT, beating out the thunderous sounds of KING BUTT, composed by James Newton Howard.

Best Foreign Language Film
PARADISE BUTT (Palestine) blew the competition to bits, including JOYEUX BUTT (France), BUTT FU HUSTLE (Hong Kong), WU BUTT (China).


(and not up for an Oscar, but at least one or two awards from the two or three dozen awards shows coming soon to a small screen near you) The Emmy's, the Latin Grammy's, The Anglo/French Grandpa's, The Half Swedish/Two-Fifths Scottish TV and Music Awards, The Razzies, The Spazzies and of course The MTV Spaceman Award

Best Television Series - Drama
Everyone to tunes in gets sucked in, ABC's powerhouse of mysterious mystery, "Butt", beating out "Commander in Butt", "Grey's Butt", "Prison Butt"

Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy
"Desperate Buttwives" rubbed their success in the faces of "Curb Your Butt", "Everybody Hates Butt", and "My Butt Is Earl".

Best Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Butt Falls "Buttpool", "Into the Butt", "Sleeper Butt", and BUTT SPRINGS.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture
Made for Television
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers for perfectly pelvic portrayal of The King in
"Butt" Rock-a-Hula'd all over Bill Nighy in THE BUTT IN THE CAFE and
Donald Sutherland in "Butt Trafficking".

Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-Series or a Motion Picture
Made for Television
S. Epatha Merkerson for in LACKAWANNA BUTTS, Halle Berry for THEIR EYES WERE WATCHING BUTT.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Musical or Comedy
Steve Carell for his portrayal of an uptight office head in "The Butt", over Charlie Sheen in "Two and a Half Butts".

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Musical or Comedy
Mary-Louise Parker for her seedy role in "Butts", beating out the entire cast of "Desperate Buttwives".

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series - Drama
Hugh Laurie for his probing work in "Butt, M.D."

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series - Drama
Geena Davis for her role as the forceful "Commander in Butt".


Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Series,
Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Paul Newman for his role as an aged windbag in BUTT FALLS.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Series,
Mini-Series or Motion Picture Made for Television
Sandra Oh for "Grey's Butt", whupping Candice Bergen for "Boston Butt".


* We then spent the one-and-a-half hours we saved (plus the following two+ weeks) debating which was funnier: Walk the Butt, or Butt the Line, and Grey's Butt or Butt Anatomy.

Don't be fooled, the Butt Game may appear to be simple juvenalia, but it is really very serious comedy.

Coming soon, (or never) the Butt Game looks at the 100 most important books of all time.