Off Campus

15 December 2005

No, I really don't wanna play.

Ok, face it, your stuck at your great-aunt Mildreds house for the day. The eternity that is the post-Christmas Christmas. The day for all the family too distant to be included in any proper holiday get together. No gifts. Unless you count the dollar bill in the card you've got since you can remember. The gift that you "can't spend all in one place." The gift that mostly goes to the post office because you have to write out, and send a formal thank you.

The food borders on recognizeable and the relatives border on annoying. Your stranded sans ipod/gameboy or any 20th or 21st century distraction. Your only cousins not smart enough to get out of yet another day of holiday family obligation are all under the age of 7. What is one to do, when the only intelligent converstaion you have must somehow involve The Wiggles or Dora?

Let's face it, you're stuck with the kiddo's, which is way better than sitting around listening to the "grown ups" talk of diseases, procedures and all the other atrocities of aging (and everything else that's wrong with everything). Unless you can get them distracted, and get yourself extracted, your in for a sad day, that you won't be able to drink away come New Years Eve.

Let us offer up yet another public service, (we do it for the kids) Here is another batch of clever ideas at winning (or ending) family game time with your sanity intact.

Mousetrap: Place a live mouse on the board, and decree that if the real thing sets off the trap, everyone loses.

Twister: Frequent the bean dip.

Parcheesi (or however you spell it): Line up two of your playing pieces on the same space on the board, declare a "road block" and wait it out until everyone else quits.

Sorry: Evertime you roll the dice, punch the person directly opposite you (as many times as the number shown) and yell "Sorry!"

Candyland: Claim that you're color blind and that any attempt by others to correct you on your space advancement is an infringement on your civil rights. Move to the end of the board in four turns.

Yahtzee: "Accidentally" drop the dice in a conveniently placed cup of black paint. As they are now unreadable, the game is impossible to play. If anyone claims that the dimples on the surface can still be seen or felt, yell "No feelies!" and leave the room in a huff.

Any game involving playing cards: Announce an impromptu game of 52 Pick-up, and aim the deck into the fireplace.

Monopoly: Carefully lay out all the properties, dole out the money, and carefully position all the houses and other pieces. Declare a hostile takeover of the bank, grab all the money and run.