Off Campus

03 October 2005

Surprise him in bed?

I hit the bookstore for lunch at least once a week. And by lunch and mean coffee and magazines. I've been getting my fill of "Wired," "Fine Homebuilding" and "Cooks Illustrated". An eclectic mix for sure, but my interests are varied, and I've got time to kill in magazine paced increments.

What caught my eye last week on the "news stand", was one of the latest "girly magazines." You know - the ones that feature a striking photo of a beautiful, famous person, partially hidden by all sorts of headlines - covering such important and diverse topics as "How to be skinny and pretty," "How to be skinny and sexy" and "What men really want."

That last one's easy. A beer and the remote. But that doesn't exactly fill or sell magazines, so they make up stuff. Do you think that the actresses and models ever have a sense of what they are going to have to share the cover with? What will their proud parents not be able to hang up on the refrigerator? "Oh, honey that's a lovely picture, too bad it says '15 ways to tell he's cheating on you,' 'new hairdos that will get you any man you want' and 'hot new sex tricks'.... your father should recover from his heart attack soon. Just warn us next time." But, I digress.

Again, what caught my eye was a picture of Kiera Knighly, and the teaser headline cover "How to truly surprise him in bed." Well, she would be a surprise (a welcome, though unlikely one) to most men. Of course the best and most surprising ways wouldn't come out of the tabloids or any aspect of the Hollywood machine. Rather, they could all be dreamed up by the untained mind of your average gradeschooler.

So let us present to you, Our top 19 WAYS to REALLY SURPRISE HIM IN BED:
(we couldn't think of twenty, and it seemed like a nice round number)
  • Fill his pillowcase with a mixture of Twinkies and Folgers Crystals
  • Coat the sheets with Icy Hot.
  • Pet mice.
  • Swap the Nytol with No-Doze - extra strength.
  • Invite over Angela Lansbury (or Wilford Brimley).
  • Two dozen alarm clocks.
  • Strobe nightlite.
  • Slip him some sleeping pills, then when he's in a deep sleep, push his side of the bed against the wall. Set the alarm early.
  • Make him breakfast in bed - in bed.
  • Midnight Dance Party! (for diaper wearing toddlers)
  • Add a bag of QuikCrete (or a dozen boxes of Cherry Jello) to the waterbed.
  • Host a Chili Cook-Off/Slumber party.
  • Snow
  • Swap the sheets for fine-grit sandpaper.
  • Pinholes in the waterbed.
  • Laxative brownies. (This is only good if you're in seperate beds).
  • Pins in his pajamas
  • Play host to the latest IRS reality show - "Midnight Surprise Audit!"
  • Get your 5 year old jacked up on sugar and caffiene, encourage him to do whatever he wants until he winds down. (This is only good if you're not going to be there - working nights, out with the girls, or divorced).
Is something missing from our list? Let us know your favorite.