Off Campus

29 November 2005

OC - Season Spoilers

Despite the fact that we're past November sweeps and the TV landscape is settling down a bit - and hopefully not returning to the disrupting world of the October Reruns (Deja-vu or flashback?) we're still having a hard time staying 0n top of all the storylines, character arcs and crossovers.

Are you finding it hard to keep up with your weekly cathode-ray addictions? Too many TV shows to follow and not enough time (or tape....or TiVo memory) to watch them all? Too many continuing storylines that if you miss one, you're out of the loop?

Never fear, fellow fellows. We at Off Campus have managed to unearth the plotlines of the season finales of all your favorite shows. No more "appointment TV", no more scrambling for blank tapes or struggling to make room on the DVR....just read the following plot synopses, and free yourself from the shackles of weekly teleservitude (and make some wagers to help pay for all the books you'll now have time to read).


In an effort to escape their complicated, sordid lives, the Desperate Housewives plot a tag-team seduction of neighborhood amateur scientist/crank Fenster Dickinson (special guest star Harry Anderson, sporting a handlebar mustache), and convince him to build them a time machine, so they can escape to a simpler era. After much degradation, he agrees, the machine is completed, and the ladies are whisked back to 1845. Their slates wiped clean, the women form the Wisteria Ranch and take up cattle rustling, as well as opening a dance hall called the Sore Leg. Next season the series continues under the revised title DESPERADO HOUSEWIVES.


It is revealed in the final episode of the season that the island setting for the series is actually Pacific Disney, and the castaways have been in the "Plane Crash on a Freaky Deserted Island Ride" all along. Next season the series will switch to a courtroom drama format, following each of the 40 survivors’ lawsuits against the Disney Corporation.


It is revealed that the previous 5 seasons of stories and adventures in the life of Sydney have all been the daydreams of a 13-year-old girl in after-school detention. Future seasons will track Sydney as she struggles with teen issues, romance, and early application to the CIA. Sort of an ALIAS BEGINS shakeup for the series, an attempt to attract the all-important 9-17 female age demographic. Similar projects in the works for next season: "Nancy Drew: 2006," "Ramona Quimby P.I." and "The Adventures of Young Condaleeza Rice."


All three series come to a head in an unprecedented three-way network cross-over, a three-hour season finale extravaganza. The casts and aliens of the three series all work their way to Weehawkin, New Jersey, where they join together to square off in a battle royale to decide which series remains on the air, as there can be only one aquatic-mind-control-aliens-and-the-people-who-hunt-them series on at a time, according to new FCC regulations. Hint: SURFACE wins, because their monsters are the biggest.


Margaret wins, after beating all of the other contestants, and host Jeff Probst, in a winner-take-all round of Red Light/Green Light.


In a surprise move, Donald Trump fires himself, and leaves the company to the would-be Apprentices to do with as they may. Anarchy and record profits ensue.


Martha gets hold of some bad muffins and slowly, over the course of the last 7 episodes, loses her grasp on sanity. The tasks she assigns to her prospective assistants become more and more bizarre (like building a life-size statue of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar out of margarine without using a spatula), until the season finale, where she instructs the two remaining contestants (Jim and Marcela) to face off in a kitchen implement death match to determine the winner. Jim wins, gouging out the eyes of Marcela with a hand-cranked eggbeater. Martha is committed, and Jim goes to jail in a lovely poncho he designed.


The two monster-hunting brothers finally find their father, who admits to lacing their Rice Krispies with LSD when they were children, leading to their uncontrollable hallucinations of creatures everywhere they go. They claim him to be a shape-shifting Bigfoot, and beat him to death with a boat oar. "Feel Like Makin’ Love" plays on the soundtrack as they hop back in their muscle car and head off for another season of hallucinatory vengeance.

THE WEATHER CHANNEL (8-9PM, June 6th, 2006 episode)

A high pressure system will move across the Midwest, bringing with it moderate rain and wind.


Keebler McDaniels, a 23-year old seminary student from Feng, Illinois, wins with an astounding rendition of "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight". The tension between the three judges that has been simmering over the past two seasons comes to a head in episode 14, when Paula sets Simon on fire, and Randy attempts to put out the flames by beating the acid-tongued Brit with the petite "Forever Your Girl" Songstress, while performing an off-key rendition of "Who Let The Dogs Out".


The two brothers break out and escape via a prison-made hot air balloon, which crashes in a gypsum mine in East South Dakota. As they have now broken out of prison, the next season of the series will focus on the brothers’ attempts to remain incognito while selling gypsum-based lubricants door-to-door throughout the Midwest in an old minivan.


Again, FCC regulations force the creators of the three series to decide which will remain on the air. A tornado of epic proportions hits Miami, killing all but the meek (wouldn’t ya know it), ending that series in a CGI spectacle that, while dazzling, manages to kill off every character in the MIAMI series. The original CSI also ends its run in a strangely supernatural episode, where the victims of all of the crimes ever perpetrated on the series return as a vigilante ghost brigade and completely wipe out all crime in Las Vegas forever. The CSI unit shuts down and each character performs a song at the end of the episode (William Petersen’s "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar" is especially moving, given the circumstances). The winner in the world of CSI is the NEW YORK series, which ends the season with a simple episode about a stolen ice cream cone in the Bronx. It turns up melted on a sidewalk, and all the CSI team can do is buy a new one for the little girl who lost it and call it a day.


Another victim of the FCC ruling. During a LAW AND ORDER workers annual picnic, the assembled casts unite and engage in all manner of outdoor competition and hijinks. Events turn tragic, however, when a full-contact Jarts tournament gets out of hand and 2/3 of the casts of the three series are killed when an errant Jart hits a propane tank. The remaining members form a new unit to continue the series under its new name, LAW AND ORDER: MONKEY TEAM ENFORCERS.