Off Campus

24 February 2005

A letter to my yesterday-self.

Just a bit of advice to get you through today, full-moon or no, it was a killer.

First off, try to get out the door 5 or 10 minutes early, you'll either avoid the cop, (and thus the speeding ticket) or will have enough time to drive the exact speed limit, with him on your tail all the way into work. Remember that driving too slow also makes police suspicious (not that you have anything to hide, other than those magazines when the relatives come around). Come to think of it, ride your bike in today. I know it's 23 degrees, but your wallet, police record, and ass will thank you for it.

Second, don't forget your lunch. Forget the $1.67 in your wallet, the vending machine is nearly empty. Don't get the chocolate-covered donuts---melty, chocolate-covered donut-shaped croutons is more like it. You'll chip a tooth and our dentist is on vacation and can't fit you in until next week. Also, there isn't not enough in the bank to cover lunch until pay day. Please, please, please, bring in something to avoid the embarrasment of your growling stomach during the annual sexual harassment meeting HR scheduled. Also refrain from wearing the Betty Page tie with the light-up tassles. This might not seem so amusing during the 3-hour meeting, and will help you to avoid being used as an example repeatedly throughout the session.

Make sure you fully hang up the phone after you talk to your boss about the deadilne you're working against. She probably won't think the comments you make about her to your co-workers afterward are particularly funny. Also, if you plan to stomach-skateboard down the hall, pick one without a security cam pointed at it.

Try to look busy at 11. The boss is going to look for a volunteer to currier some files across town to the main office. You're going to narrowly avoid hitting a bookmobile while answering the cell, and doing the full "Walk Like An Egyptian" hand motions along with the song as you pass the muslim school is probably something to skip.

In the employee lounge, remember the old lesson learned in Chemistry class that hot glass looks like cold glass. This will allow you to not only avoid calling 911, but will give you the use of your right hand later in the day, when you use your middle finger to adjust your glasses just as the CEO is passing your cubicle. Try to use more than one finger to do that, by the way.

Put out of your mind the fact that you jokingly refer to one of your clients as "Lumpy" (based on his inclination to recieve concussions at least twice a year in the workplace), because you just might slip when he's placing an order with you today. It's hard to make him think he heard you wrong when his name is Bill.

If you must refer to your workplace as a "dump" or "fart factory", try to wait until you're off the clock. Someone who controls your paycheck might overhear you and misconstrue this as discontent.

At home, remember to set the VCR for channel 7 at 8PM, not channel 8 at 7PM. Also remember to set the microwave for 13:00 minutes on the pot pie, not 130:00. There is a diference, and it's really unpleasant.

On second thought, don't get out of bed.