Beat the Heat

Are you forced to wait in the air-conditioned comfort of the office, grocery store or post office until the sun goes down and your car tires slowly unmeld from the parking lot? Are you afraid of rolling power outages because your neighbors seem to have at least 2 air conditioners running in each room? Are you tired of burning your hands on the steering wheel day after day after day? Did you get roped into a family gym membership just for the open swim?

Let us help you save money and time while you deal with the dog days, as we offer up these ways to the Beat the Heat:

1. With A Stick
2. With A Boat Oar
3. Cheat Codes
4. Ice Pants
5. Pretend you're sleeping, and when Heat isn't looking, hit it with a stun gun.
6. Tie its shoe laces together
7. Fill a small paper bag with dog poo, put in on Heat's front door landing, set it on fire, then ring the heat's door bell. When Heat opens the door to find the flaming bag of filth, it will naturally try to stomp out the flames, thus getting hot poo all over its shoes. This will not necessarilly BEAT the Heat, but it will certainly ruin its shoes, and therefore hurt its self-esteem.
8. Have the Ice Cream Man stop him when he's passing by
9. Sign it up for unwanted magazine subscriptions.
10. Lure it out to the driving range behind the country club, and break out your Big Bertha

The Last Comic

A lot has happened in the past four months or so since I lost my magic sharpie and stopped the cartooning bit for the good folks over at 168. I've received countless letters, faxes, and notes via homing pigeon concerning the fate of the characters, quite literally being left in the dark. So, here for you today, I've dusted off the final comic of a three-part story arc exploring if life can go on without TV.

Rather than show you the end first, and then force you to wait countless nanoseconds (after clicking the "off campus comics archives" link) before reading the beginning - a la the Star Wars model, I present the entire story below... in sequence. (If you find you're eyes straining to read the dialogue, take a break to do some eye stretching, or click on one of the pictures to zoom.)







I particularly enjoyed the whole "Scooby Doo" look at the end.

Gentlemen start your (search) engines

It has come to our attention (in looking at our reader statistics) that more than a few of our readers are getting here by accident. Not that we're complaining, mind you....we'll take the hits however we can get them. (Remember, for every hit we get, a marionette becomes a real boy.)

Below are some of the words and phrases* that individuals (or several people huddled around one computer) have entered into search engines, sending them to their ultimate reward here at Off Campus.

• Ponytime
• Rotunda envy
• Arch McTence
• Illegal Jarts
• That thing with the scoopy handle that you used to toss a ball to your friend and made a clacky noise when you did it
• Reno
• Bojango Chicken
• Telephony
• Whistle while you weld
• Tint
• Bolo Yeung
• My First Epiphany Playset
• Fluff
• Lockjaw
• Na Na Na Na, Hey Hey, Kiss Him, He's Lithuanian
• Sludge 'n' Fizz
• Arctic Apache Federation of South Florida, LLC
• Amber Tamblyn
• Schmoo Fever -- CATCH IT!
• Dick Butkus
• Women who love men and the men who love them
• Switchblade fife
• Feline diseases spreadable to humans
• Home cold remedies with Olestra
• Boboli preservatives
• Wayward nerf collectors
• How to size up someone without looking directly at them
• Snout theory
• Jiffy Pop house fires
• Military history of the cheetah
• Full-contact checkers tips
• The history of Bob Barker's Hair
• Hot, hairy Buffalo folk dances for Protestant teens
• Dudesterless Fungi Ifkiff Manwaukee Immortality Rays vs. The Desperado Farm Team: Maple Avenue School Playground Catchphrases in the 1980's (ashcan edition)
• Celebrity reality shows featuring a lemur
• Baby wipes
• Munchatation
• Leonard Melt
• 1-800-FAKE-NUMBER
• Hair care for the deaf
• Chocolate rain

But don't take our word for it, give it a try yourself and let us know some of the more bizzarre searches that lead you here.

* Please note that some of these items may no longer appear in our archives, either due to revisions or threats of legal action.

There's chocolate in my peanut butter

Just a wee little bit of cross-blog promo: The search for the ultimate peanut butter sandwich.

Leather, PVC and Pyrotechnics!

Kicking off their North American Tour, It's The Blue Man Group meets Kiss (well, just Gene Simmons)...
Ladies and Gentlemen, THE BLUE GENES!



Mime it out loud!