Off Campus

28 June 2005

Beat the Heat

Are you forced to wait in the air-conditioned comfort of the office, grocery store or post office until the sun goes down and your car tires slowly unmeld from the parking lot? Are you afraid of rolling power outages because your neighbors seem to have at least 2 air conditioners running in each room? Are you tired of burning your hands on the steering wheel day after day after day? Did you get roped into a family gym membership just for the open swim?

Let us help you save money and time while you deal with the dog days, as we offer up these ways to the Beat the Heat:
  1. With A Stick
  2. With A Boat Oar
  3. Cheat Codes
  4. Ice Pants
  5. Pretend you're sleeping, and when Heat isn't looking, hit it with a stun gun.
  6. Tie its shoe laces together
  7. Fill a small paper bag with dog poo, put in on Heat's front door landing, set it on fire, then ring the heat's door bell. When Heat opens the door to find the flaming bag of filth, it will naturally try to stomp out the flames, thus getting hot poo all over its shoes. This will not necessarilly BEAT the Heat, but it will certainly ruin its shoes, and therefore hurt its self-esteem.
  8. Have the Ice Cream Man stop him when he's passing by
  9. Sign it up for unwanted magazine subscriptions.
  10. Lure it out to the driving range behind the country club, and break out your Big Bertha