Off Campus

16 May 2005

...and even more pre-Star Wars progamming

Are you getting sick of all of the inappropriate and thinly-veiled TV programming that exists solely to advertise the film, despite the intentions they wave to the contrary. Looking through this week's TV GUIDE, the "educational" cable channels, are running hour-long shows devoted to the "science", "gear", and "animals" of STAR WARS, and some channels you wouldn't expect have even more far-reaching connections to attach their channel's theme to the saga.

STAR WARS programming this week: (check your local listings for show times)

ABC: 20/20
Barbara Walters sits down for a probing interview with R5D4, who reveals the hardships it has had to live with, forever being mistaken for the nearly-identical R2D2, and how it has struggled to maintain it's own identity and career path in the face of overwhelming obscurity. In the second half, Kenny Baker on anonymity and the pressure of helping Artoo keep the universe intact.

CBS: Late Show with David Letterman.
Star Wars Top 10, Stupid Jedi tricks, Biff's trip to Skywalker Ranch, and friend of the program, Samuel L. Jackson fills in as host as none other than Jedi Master Mace Windu.

NBC: The Apprentice, Finale
For this year's finale, the hair helmet steps aside for the dark helmet, as Darth Vader makes the final decision as to who will rule by his side. The loser is not only fired, but also choked psychically in front of the nation.

Court TV
Legal experts give a play-by-play analysis of the Imperial Senate scenes from PHANTOM MENACE and ATTACK OF THE CLONES, pointing out the legal and precedent-setting ramifications of allowing Wookies to vote.

Bloomberg TV
How would an intergalactic rebellion affect barley futures? Experts discuss the possible outcomes, illustrated with clips of REVENGE OF THE SITH.

The History Channel: History vs Hollywood -
STAR WARS. Historians work to ascertain whether the events of STAR WARS I-VI did indeed occur a long time ago (just how long?) in a galaxy far, far away (how far?).

Comedy Central: Crank Yankers
The usual gang tries prank-calling Darth Vader, and the laughs turn to shock when the Dark Lord of the Sith is not amused, and proceeds to psychically choke the puppet mocketeers to death over the phone. Then Yoda tries his three-fingered hand at prank calling various members of the Empire, only to be foiled again and again, as his unmistakeable backwards-talk doesn't fool anyone.

Special airing of EPISODE I, reduced to postage-stamp size on the TV screen and surrounded by live internet chat text about how hot Hayden Christensen is and the different ways in which people would like to see Jar Jar meet a gruesome end.

Food TV: Inside Dish with Rachel Ray
BoJango, Temuera Morrison's New California Cuisine Restaurant w/a Maori twist, his Blackberry suprise plus some favorite recipes from the Star Wars set; Grand Moff Tarkin's Great Tart Muffins and a visit to Hammer-Head's "Get Hammered" Ale House

...and coming soon to DVD

A new, revised edition of THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL from 1978, with all characters, sets, and props digitally enhanced to remove all traces of the original program's content. As an added bonus, an alternate audio commentary by one of the world's leading hypnotists will cause you to forget the original ever existed, and make you believe forevermore that this new edition is all there ever was. The show's musical numbers have also been updated, featuring a special collaboration between John Williams and Linkin Park, as well as an all-new rap version of the classic "Imperial March Theme", which sets the stage for a climactic body-popping contest between Darth Vader and Lobot.