Off Campus

28 May 2005

Off Campus Guide to THE SUMMER MOVIE!!

This summer, all the major Hollywood studios have, in an unprecedented effort to ward off slipping theater attendance (whether it be the result of illegal - though really fun - downloading, or the ongoing popularity of cliff diving), banded together to present audiences with THE SUMMER MOVIE, one huge, star-studded, all-encompassing tale to rivet your tail to the seat hour after hour, dollar after dollar, Raisinette after Raisinette.

To prevent theater crowding and reduce gluteas soreicus, this film will be split up into two-hour installments and will be released under a variety of titles. They've managed to assemble an amazing cast for this film, and it's combined budget exceeds [Figure unavailable at press time, but believe us, it's HUGE. We're talking at least, like, ten zeros at the end.] Several directors, including George Lucas, George Romero, Tim Burton, and others who were paid far less leant their creative visions to the project, which will no doubt go down in history as the most ambitious, if not the longest, action/drama/romance/sci-fi/softcore/western/
period/horror/documentary/snuff film of all time.

Off Campus has the exclusive scoop on the plot of what's being called THE SUMMER MOVIE by those "in the know." We're not "in the know," but we know someone who is, so if you tell anyone about this, you can say the details came from someone you know who knows someone in the know.

The story goes a little something like this....

Will Ferrell is an ineffectual man trying to coach a rag-tag kiddie soccer team to victory; while teaching them the value of self-respect and honor, and learns a little something himself. Across town, Billy Bob Thornton is an inebriated man trying to coach a rag-tag kiddie baseball team to victory; while teaching them the value of self-respect and honor, and learns a little something himself. Meanwhile, at the local prison yard, Adam Sandler is an incarcerated man trying to coach a rag-tag convict football team to victory; while teaching them the value of self-respect and honor, and learns a little something himself. The story flashes back at one point to focus on Russell Crowe as a punch-drunk boxer who brings a nation closer together in a time of national funk. While knocked out by a foe's heavy blow, he flashes back and dreams about Orlando Bloom wielding a sword and crusading in Jerusalem, who, while knocked unconscious by a foe's heavy truncheon, hallucinates about a longer time ago, in a galaxy farther away, where Darth Vader gets a helmet and a bad attitude. Meanwhile, back in the present day, Jet Li struggles as a man raised like an animal, trained to fight to the death. Little does he know that zombies are running rampant in Pittsburgh (or is it Toronto?), while Tom Cruise and his weepy-creepy daughter dodge Martian Destruco-rays. This monster-laden armageddon doesn't seem to bother the Duke boys, two back-woods brothers racing their souped-up Charger through the back roads of rural America, knowing that someday the mountain might get 'em but the law never will. Somehow, their actions go unnoticed by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, two married spies who know they're married, but don't know they're spies, that is, they don't know that each other are spies. They're apparently too busy investigating each other's briefs to notice Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson crashing weddings to scoop up the free food and babes (a misdemeanor in some states, and just very bad manners in others). These freeloaders luckily manage to avoid Jennifer Lopez, whose married bliss is threatened by her nasty maw-in-law whose acidic demeanor is the result of an unfortunate photo opportunity a few decades earlier in another country. She's in dire need of help... unfortunately Bruce Wayne is busy traveling to the ends of the earth to learn the ways of martial arts and two-fisted detective work from a guy who may have once been either a Jedi or Dark Man.

Please understand that these segments of the film can all be viewed separately in any order, but to fully appreciate how the parts fit together to form a cohesive whole, it's important to watch them in the correct order, which may or may not correspond to the order in which they are released. To ascertain the correct running order of THE SUMMER MOVIE, you need to look at the MPAA production code number at the very end of each film's credits. We realize that in order to do this, you must first sit through the entire film. Cynics have insinuated that this is by design, so that audiences interesting in seeing THE SUMMER MOVIE in sequence will see all of its parts once, take diligent notes, then go back and RE-SEE the film in it's proper order, thus assuring double the box office.

This is, of course not being done for monetary reasons on the part of the studios, but to bring the fun and magic of moviegoing to a new generation.

Really. They swear.